Maatregelen coronavirus | Zondag met Lubach (S11)

Hoe gaan we in Nederland tot nu toe om met corona? Wc-papier wordt gehamsterd en BN’ers zijn dwars. Het kabinet kondigde afgelopen donderdag nieuwe maatregelen aan, maar die worden nog niet altijd even serieus genomen.

Dit is het elfde seizoen van Zondag met Lubach. Zeven dagen nieuws in dertig minuten, satirisch geremixt door Arjen Lubach. Vanachter een desk. Voor een publiek. In een pak. Op een stoel. In een auto. Nee, niet in een auto. Zondag met Lubach, zo goed als nieuws. #ZondagMetLubach zie je iedere week om 21.20 uur op #NPO3 en YouTube. #ZML

Deze video komt uit uitzending 5 van seizoen 11 van Zondag met Lubach:

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Good evening, good evening.
Welcome to Zondag met LubachThis is episode 95, and for the first timewe do this without an audience.And that, of course, has everything to do with the fact,as you have undoubtedly heard, that Zondag met Lubach fanstrashed the Amsterdam city centre after the show last week.afterwards they met on a parking lotand got into a fight with fans from 'this is the news' (TV programme).Nothing to write home about,and that is why we, as penalty from the UEFA, have to record this broadcast without an audience.Cannot be helpedWith its upsides, as the timing in relation to the coronavirus could not have been better.Normally, all these seats are filled with peoplebut the only people in the room now work for this programmeThere they are. So are you guys excited?See? They are excited but the feeling is a tad off.But we will not be put off by a world wide virus outbreak,let's not call each other a pandemietje (pun on pandemic and mietje, meaning wuss)So we will just continueFirstly, a summary of how we in The Netherlands have been handling coronaAnd… that all started with "oh, corona isn't so bad"and that slowly shifted to "Oh, now there are quite a number of infections indeed"and that quite quickly turned intoI NEED TOILET PAPER!Empty shelves everywhereBack in the day we always dreamt of '1 minute free shopping'Now we will get a generation growing up dreaming of '1 minute shopping'and I was wondering, "why do people hoard toilet paper?"But then I realised, being without food we have never experienced beforeso we cannot comprehend itBut being without toilet paper, that is a humanitarian disaster known to everyoneIn that moment you will start viewing that newspaper (volkskrant) very differently, trust me.and as of recently, I only have an Ipad subscription…So before you know it you swipe some funky chick to the right with your assNevertheless, troubled timesThe panic has thus spread like wildfire,and that whilst knowing you could handsomely get away saying stuff like this two weeks ago:"we're all being scared by something that is more akin to a fluWe ought to all just keep partying,keep shaking hands, and this all will just…No, I find it all a bit ludicrous."Yeah, André Hazes (singer), typical dad huh?With a voice like silk and soon to meet an early demiseBut such scepsis ruled under Dutch singers, as he was not alone."It, is, sort of, that we are exagerratingWe've also had, what was it, the swine flu (mexican flu)Like that, there are more little bugs going aroundIt is of course very sad for the people who have died, I do want to put that forward.and for the people who are still infected. I hope they get better soon."Oh yeah and I also found the Holocaust very shockingand the fact that that the dinosaurs went extinct was also something I wanted to put forward.I liked Danny de Munk better when he still told people to bugger off.By now, you'd think Dutch singers would've learned their lesson, but then you don't account for rapper Gers Pardoel.Who posted on Instagram"From deep within, love is a part of yourself, and that is the only thing that can truly stop the corona virus (and any virus)It just cannot nor shouldn't be that a virus prevents us from having or wanting physical contact with each other.Do shake each other's hands, do give hugs, and DO love each other!!So, I've checked this post for any factual inaccuraciesAnd after you remove those, you are left with the following text:Ah, yes!No physical contactAll in all still a good message from GersAnd even professional journalists can be downright stubborn.Such as journalist Bas van Werven, who tweeted last week:"Oooh, that's not allowed. I still shuck Edwin Mooibroek's hand upon meeting."*laughing smugly* Oh, silly Bas. Completely bonkers that fellow.Hey Bas, if you're really such a hotshot go to Wuhan, China and go lick yourself some bats.All was fun and games, until the beginning of Thursday,when the government announced new measures. As such, we listen to Bruno Bruijns, minister of healthcare:"All Dutch citizens will remain at home, in case of nasal congestion and/or coughing and/or a sore throat, conceivably in conjunction with fever.And avoid/girl-" Yeah, so for a moment here I was anxious to hear as to what he would say"Hey girl, don't worryAnd girl, just do what you doAnd girl, what's all this gesturing about then?So, what did he say?
[…]"-and avoid social contact"Alright, alright. Nice pick-up line there: "Hey girl, care for some social contact?""You and me, some social contacting?" In a few months, not just yet.So we all have to avoid social contact and keep our distance, but also, whenever possible, stay at home.The advice is as follows, remain at home if possibleWell yes, yes, but to actually stay home.Well yes, actually at home.This woman awakens every morning in a treehouse on a Carribean island and has to make her way home.Yet, the most debated restriction which hasn't been imposedThe closure of schoolsMany countries already took this measure, but we haven't."What is impeding us, are the extensive social reprecussions.Such as, parents having to remain at home as their children are obliged to stay home.Because many of those parents work in places where we need them the most.Yes, they thought up their plan completely,but after the outcry of twenty-two thousand medical specialists, and the chirper @onderwijsbanaan,Today they caved and, suddenly, closed down all schools.Of course, no restriction is going to truly stop the virus. That's simply impossible.Estimates predict that about half the Dutch population will contract COVID-19.But it is paramount we do not all contract it at once.It all boils down to this simple graph.For whomever is unfamiliar with it, this portrays the wave of corona patients.When everyone contracts it simultaneously, as depicted in purple,there will a shortage of hospital beds, shown in red.If we can manage to slow down the spread, in blue, the healthcare system might be able to cope.This is perhaps a bit abstract, but take for instance the TV show Boer Zoekt Vrouw (Farmer Wants Wife):In case all ten women would simultaneously stay over for the night, that wouldn't work.The farmer wouldn't have enough beds,He doesn't know when to inject which woman…If you know what I meanHe wouldn't have time to milk his cows…If you know what I meanYou know, milking.But were he to have those women over consecutively for ten days, then he might be able to cope.He could then pay enough attention to each and every one of them, and possibly also for presenter YvonneIf you know what I meanAnyhow, that's the point of all these measures.The flipside of these restrictions would obviously be the damage to the economyBecause a complete lockdown would slow the viral spread but impedes commerce.Of course, people are more important, but if everyone quits working,and no one is making any money, that too is eventually detrimental to public health.This is already becoming clear in the aviation industry as KLM will not renew 1500 contracts on temporary positions.Can we enlarge that picture? Whoah.I get that the cleaners get cut first, but please do this before takeoff.Why would you do this mid-flight?That's insane, you have an exemplary position as a pilot.I mean: "ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain cleaning"Moron. Dimwit.It remains a balancing act, complete lockdown or keeping society running.Mark Rutte opted for the latter last Thursday, for which he had to justify himself in front of parliament.The opposition wanted to close down all schools, but Rutte proved unyielding.Thankfully, a compromise was reached: Parents who kept their children home wouldn't be fined for doing so.This was a plan conceived by the unifying nestor of parliament, the man whomever tries to unite all parties.As per deliberation of Parliament, we beseech the government to grant parents the ability to keep their children at homeuntil the end of March, without risk of incurring fines based on the compulsory education act.The resolution has been adopted.The resolution was actually adopted! Wilders, who had a good idea, and the majority agreed with him.I told you these times were absolutely bonkersThe clever part of this, the pupils of today are the voters of tomorrow. And by then, Wilders can say he was there for them."Hey, do you remember that time when you were fourteen? Who got you those days off?Thanks to whom could you play Fortnite all day?So, vote PVV in 2025!Less Islam, cheaper cyberclicknoxThat'll be all the rage by thenAside from that, Wilders was rather aggravated during the debatesWhat a farce. No action and now everything's gone bananasGone bananas?First of all, bananas are unavailable, all shelves are devoid of them.Secondly, why ever is he so aggravated?Let's have a gander at the situation in the Netherlands currently:Hundreds of mosques have been closed, television programmes from the VARA have been less popular,Claudia de Breij stopped performing,Theathers, museums and universities have closed, foreigners aren't allowed to enter the countryThis has to be Wilders' Valhalla!Neighbouring countries took precautions before us.For instance, in Belgium restaurants and bars were closed on Friday.As a Belgian citizen you could stay homeOr, you could go to the Netherlands where restaurants and bars are still open."We went to Antwerp first but there everything was closed down, so we came here.So we did some shopping, strolling about.""It's enjoyable to be among people"It's enjoyable to be among people?! That's what my coronavirus said last night.But wait, we shouldn't be shaming the Belgians now, since we already did that last week.We also have to take the matters seriously ourselves. As you might think: "oh well, then I am ill for a bitI heard from a Dutch singer that it's just another bugBut if you're coughing all over 84-year old Charles Screw at the bus stop the following dayThen he's screwed. Shit, he already was. Screwed!So, perhaps everything is already in lockdown when you're watching this, but if not: It is pivotal that we avoid large gatherings of peopleThis morning I stumbled upon this Twitter post:Wierd Duk writes: Packed streets, cafes, terrases, markets, grocery stores. People are not taking this issue seriously.Georgina Verbaan writes she saw packed cafes and terraces while taking a short stroll.Incomprehensible. Wier Duk and Georgina Verbaan agree?! that it is incomprehensible that terraces are brimming with people.Rule of thumb: when those two are in agreement, it must be trueFunnily enough, it either seems as though everyone tries to hysterically stash all brown rice to be found in Western Europeor, boldly proclaims it is just a bug and licks Danny de MunkFortunately, most people are somewhere between these extremes.While we stopped shaking hands, and we work from home, that we strive to keep our number of bed partners within reason,isn't because we think the world will end, but rather our understanding that it is key to saving a lot of lives.That's sort of how it works during a pandemic.
And that's not blind panic: That's a plan.

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