President Trump Botches Pandemic Response, Shifts Coronavirus Testing To The States

Trump wants to focus on reopening the country, but is passing the buck on an essential stepping stone to economic recovery: making coronavirus testing widely available. #Colbert #StephenAtHome #Monologue

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Transcript

>> STEPHEN: WELCOME TO "A LATE
SHOW."I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.I WAS JUST TALKING TO MY SON
PETER WHO IS MY CREW.MY WIFE IS OUT GETTING ME A
COCKTAIL.IT'S THE LAST SHOW OF THE WEEK.I NORMALLY HAVE A COCKTAIL AT
THE END OF THE LAST SHOW OF THEWEEK, BUT YOU KNOWçó WHAT?I DON'T THINK I CAN WAIT THAT
LONG.HAPPY THURSDAY.YOU SEE, DURING SOCIAL
ISOLATION, I'VEASKED MY WRITERS TO MARK THE
PASSAGE OF TIME, SO WHEN I READTHIS SCRIPT I'LL KNOW WHAT DAY
IT IS.THURSDAY.TODAY– WHICH, AGAIN, IS
THURSDAY, STEPHEN– THECORONAVIRUS CONTINUES TO RAVAGE
THE COUNTRY.BUT THERE ARE SIGNS THAT SOCIAL
DISTANCING IS WORKING, THOUGHTHAT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN GO BACK
TO NORMAL ANY TIME SOON– ORMAYBE EVER.AT LEAST ACCORDING TO
IMMUNOLOGIST AND MAN WHO JUSTREALIZED HE'S TOUCHING HIS FACE,
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.THIS IS — I MARRIED THE RIGHT
GIRL.CHEERS.MMM!OH, YEAH.THAT IS LOVELY.WHOO — FRUIT OF THE VIERNTION
WORK OF THE HUMAN HANDS, ITSHALL BECOME FOR US OUR
SPIRITUAL DRINK.( LAUGHTER )
ON TUESDAY, FAUCI EXPLAINED THATWE'VE GOT TO TAKE IT SLOW.>> WHEN YOU GRADUALLY GET BACK,
YOU DON'T JUMP INTO IT WITH BOTHFEET.YOU SAY, YOU KNOW, WHAT ARE THE
THINGS YOU COULD STILL DO ANDSTILL APPROACH NORMAL?ONE OF THEM IS ABSOLUTE
COMPULSIVE HAND WASHING.>> STEPHEN: YES, DR. FAUCI WANTS
COMPULSIVE HAND WASHING TO BETHE NEW NORMAL, WHICH IS GREAT
NEWS FOR ANYONE WITH OBSESSIVECOMPULSIVE DISORDER.CONGRATULATIONS, YOU NOW HAVE
— YOU'RE LAUGHING.YOU'RE LAUGHING.NOT AT THE JOKE, YOU'RE LAUGHING
AT ME.ALL RIGHT, DO EITHER ONE OF YOU
WANT TO GET IN HERE, BY THE WAY,OR ARE YOU JUST GOING TO LURK IN
THE DOORWAY?ANYBODY WANT TO GET BACK IN
HERE?OKAY, THIS IS ALL GOING TO BE IN
THE SHOW.ARE YOU GOING TO STAY OVER THERE
OR COME IN HERE?ARE YOU AFRAID I'M GOING TO
BITE?IT'S BEEN A LONG WEEK, I'M SURE
IT HAS BEEN FOR YOU, TOO.HERE WE GO.I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THIS IS
STILL — YEAH, I JUST WANT TOMAKE SURE THEY HADN'T SWITCHED
IT OUT.DR. FAUCI WANTS PULSATIVE HAND
WASHINGTON NORMAL.WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR ANYONE
WITH OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVEDISORDER. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU
NOW HAVE "OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVEORDER." ALSO BEING RECOMMENDED
BY THE C.D.C. NEXT: COUNTING THETILES ON YOUR KITCHEN FLOOR AND
MAKING SURE YOUR SHOES ALL FACENORTH.FAUCI WENT ON:
>> THE OTHER ONE IS YOU DON'TEVER SHAKE ANYBODY'S HANDS.THAT'S CLEAR.I DON'T THINK THAT WE SHOULD
EVER SHAKE HANDS EVER AGAIN, TOBE HONEST WITH YOU.>> STEPHEN: NEVER SHAKE HANDS.THAT IS BAD NEWS FOR THE
SECRET SOCIETIES."WELCOME TO THE EXALTED
BROTHERHOOD.WE SHALL NOW ANOINT YOU WITH THE
SCEPTER OF REBIRTH, AND TEACHYOU THE SECRET… ELBOW BUMP."WILL THAT DO?WILL THAT — ENRIQUE
BLOOMENCROFTON…THERE ARE SOME OTHER UNEXPECTED
SILVER LININGS TO THIS.AFTER FIVE YEARS OF BRUTAL
CONFLICT SAUDI ARABIA AND YEMENHAVE ANNOUNCED A CEASE-FIRE AMID
THE PANDEMIC.YES, THEY KNOW RIGHT NOW IS JUST
NOT A SAFE TIME TO KILL EACHOTHER.IN PREDICTABLE PANDEMIC NEWS, A
NEW SURVEY FINDS THAT POT USEREACHED AN ALL-TIME HIGH IN
MARCH AMID LOCKDOWN MEASURES.REALLY, ALL-TIME HIGH?YOU WEREN'T WITH ME, CHIEF BIG
BONG AND THE WARRIOR BACK IN '82HOT-BOXING OUT AT THE POINT.THAT WAS THE ALL-TIME HIGH.WHOO!I'M JOKING, OBVIOUSLY.IT MAKES SENSE THAT THESE DAYS A
LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GETTING STRESSBAKED.YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE COUCH ALL
DAY, IN YOUR PAJAMAS, WATCHINGNETFLIX AND EATING BEEFARONI OUT
OF A CAN.HEY, IT'S COVID-420 SOMEWHERE.BUT BE CAREFUL POT-THUSIASTS.THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE DOING
ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU COUGHAND BE PARANOID.SO STOP SMOKING.EAT EDIBLES INSTEAD.OR IF THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU,
TRY SNOOP DOGG'S NEW LINE OFSU-POT-SITORIES.PUT THE SHIZZLE UP YOUR
BIZZLE!TRY THE TUSH KUSH.OF COURSE, ALL THE EXPERTS AGREE
THAT THE ONLY WAY OUT OF THISPANDEMIC IS TO INCREASE, IN ANY
WAY POSSIBLE, WIDELY-AVAILABLETESTING.SO, YESTERDAY IT WAS ANNOUNCED
THAT THE WHITE HOUSE WILL ENDFEDERAL SUPPORT FOR
CORONAVIRUS-TESTING SITES ONFRIDAY.WHY IS TRUMP OPPOSED TO THE
TESTING?THEY'RE CORONAVIRUS TESTS, NOT
PATERNITY TESTS.INSTEAD, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
WILL BE TRANSITIONING TOSTATE-MANAGED TESTING SITES,
PART OF TRUMP'S STRATEGY TOSHIFT RESPONSIBILITY TO STATES.OH, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME WAY
TO COORDINATE AMONG THE STATES,SOME WAY TO, I DON'T KNOW, UNITE
THE STATES OF AMERICA UNDER ONEGOVERNMENT THAT HAD, LET'S SAY,
AN EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT AGENCYON A FEDERAL LEVEL.I JUST WANT TO SAY, "HECK OF A
JOB, TRUMPIE."BUT THE PRESIDENT IS UNDER A LOT
OF PRESSURE.HE'S FACING THE PROSPECT OF
RUNNING FOR REELECTION AFTERBOTCHING THE RESPONSE TO A
GLOBAL PANDEMIC.SO IT'S NO SURPRISE HE WANTS TO
GET THE ECONOMY UP AND RUNNINGAGAIN, BUT THIS TWEET MAY HAVE
BEEN A TAD INSENSITIVE."ONCE WE OPEN UP OUR GREAT
COUNTRY, AND IT WILL BE SOONERRATHER THAN LATER, THE HORROR OF
THE INVISIBLE ENEMY, EXCEPT FORTHOSE THAT SADLY LOST A FAMILY
MEMBER OR FRIEND, MUST BEQUICKLY FORGOTTEN."YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, "THOSE
WHO FORGET THE PAST, ARE MORELIKELY TO VOTE FOR DONALD
TRUMP."WITH EVERYONE STAYING HOME TO
STOP THE VIRUS, AMERICANS AREBEING HIT HARD BY JOB LOSSES.16 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE FILED FOR
UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE PAST THREEWEEKS.AND WITH SO MANY PEOPLE FILING
FOR UNEMPLOYMENT, IT'SOVERLOADING THE SYSTEM.ONE PERSON RECENTLY LAID OFF IN
TEXAS SAID SHE, "HAD NOT MANAGEDTO FILE DESPITE MORE THAN 1,200
ATTEMPTS, SOME AT 1:00 A.M."BEING OUT OF A JOB SHOULD NOT BE
A FULL-TIME JOB.THANKFULLY, MANY AMERICANS ARE
STILL WORKING, AND SOME OF THEMARE RISKING THEIR LIVES TO HELP
US THROUGH THIS CRISIS.INCLUDING FAST FOOD WORKERS WHO
ARE GOING ON STRIKEDEMANDING PAID SICK LEAVE AND
MORE PROTECTIONS AT WORK.EVIDENTLY, THOSE HAIRNETS CAN
ONLY DO SO MUCH.WORKERS ARE WALKING OUT AT
MCDONALD'S, PIZZA HUT, SUBWAY,POPEYE'S, DOMINO'S, BURGER KING,
AND TACO BELL, ASKING FOR MASKS,GLOVES, SOAP, AND TWO WEEKS OF
PAID SICK LEAVE TO WORKERSEXPOSED TO COVID-19.I WANT THEM TO HAVE THOSE
THINGS.I DON'T WANT A CONTAGIOUS PERSON
MAKING MY NACHOS!IF I GET SICK FROM EATING AT
TACO BELL, I WANT IT TO BEBECAUSE I ATE TACO BELL!AS GOD INTENDED.SPEAKING OF GOD — HERE'S TO
YOU, BIG FELLA — I JUST WANT TOSAY TO MY JEWISH VIEWERS, MERRY
PASSOVER.TONIGHT'S THE SECOND NIGHT OF
PASSOVER.I THINK IT GOES "TWO RABBIS
A-LEAPIN'."NOW, IF YOU'RE OBSERVING
PASSOVER, YOU'RE HOLDING SEDER.AND THAT BIG FAMILY MEAL MAY
HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT THIS YEAR,BECAUSE MANY ARE OPTING TO HOLD
THEIR SEDERS ON ZOOM.OF COURSE, TONIGHT STARTED WITH
THE TRADITIONAL JEWISH PRAYEROF, "NANA, YOU'RE MUTED!"
THE SEDER TELLS THE STORY OF THEISRAELITES ESCAPING SLAVERY IN
EGYPT.IT'S ALL ABOUT PLAGUES.WE CAN RELATE.I'VE BEEN PUTTING LAMB'S BLOOD
ON MY DOOR FRAME JUST TO WARDOFF GRUB HUB.I'VE GOT TO CUT OUT THE CARBS.TRADITIONALLY, ON PASSOVER, YOU
SAVE A PLACE FOR ELIJAH ANDSOMEONE GETS UP AND CHECKS TO
SEE IF HE'S AT THE DOOR.BUT THIS YEAR, IF HE'S THERE,
DON'T LET HIM IN.HE'S 3,000 YEARS OLD.EASTER IS ALSO THIS WEEKEND.AND IT'S GOING TO BE A STRANGE
ONE.■INSTEAD OF CELEBRATING IN THE
CHURCH, WE'LL BE CELEBRATING INSWEATPANTS.OR IN NO PANTS.DEPENDS ON YOUR DENOMINATION.RECENTLY, THE VATICAN PUBLISHED
GUIDELINES FOR EASTERCELEBRATIONS DURING CORONAVIRUS,
INCLUDING A DECREE FOR PRIESTSSAYING THEY MAY OFFER THE
LITURGIES IN THEIR PARISHESWITHOUT THE PHYSICAL PRESENCE OF
THE FAITHFUL.SO THEY'RE GOING TO DO THE MASS
WITH NOBODY THERE.WELL, AS SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN
PERFORMING WITH NO AUDIENCE FORA FEW WEEKS NOW, I FEEL FOR
THOSE PRIESTS.MY ADVICE: BRING YOUR DOG IN
ONCE IN AWHILE.OKAY?PEOPLE LIKE THAT.MAKE SURE YOU CHANGE HIS COLLAR.A CHURCH IN TEXAS PLANNED
SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE KIDSIN THEIR PARISH, A VIRTUAL
EASTER EGG HUNT IN "MINECRAFT."A LITTLE UNORTHODOX, BUT BETTER
THAN THEIR ORIGINAL PLAN, A"FORTNITE" BUNNY ROYALE.WITH EVERYBODY CHANGING HOW THEY
CELEBRATE THE HIGH HOLY DAYS, ITHOUGHT NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME
TO CHECK IN WITH GOD TO SEE WHATHE THINKS OF ALL THIS.PLEASE WELCOME, FRIEND OF THE
SHOW, THE ALMIGHTY.LORD, THANKS FOR JOINING US.>> MY PLEASURE, STEPHEN.NICE TO TALK TO ANYBODY.I WAS GETTING A LITTLE
SQUIRRELLY.>> STEPHEN: WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT
NOW, LORD?>> TECHNICALLY, I'M EVERYWHERE,
BUT SPECIFICALLY I'M RIDING ITOUT AT MY CABIN IN IDAHO.I'M A PREPPER.I'VE GOT TWO YEARS OF
FREEZE-DRIED BEEF STROGANOFF.>> STEPHEN: YOU'RE A PREPPER?>> OH, YEAH.GOTTA BE PREPARED FOR NATURAL
DISASTERS.I'M ALL-LOVING, BUT I'M ALSO
VERY MOODY.WHO KNOWS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO
NEXT?>> STEPHEN: WHAT ABOUT UP IN
HEAVEN?ARE THEY SOCIAL DISTANCING?>> OH, YEAH.ME AND THE ANGELS ARE DOING ALL
OUR MEETINGS OVER ZOOM NOW.I'M GETTING PRETTY GOOD AT IT.LOOK, I CAN CHANGE MY
BACKGROUND.NOW I'M IN THE BAHAMAS.NOW I'M IN THAT HOUSE FROM
PARASITE.NOW I'M IN HELL!OH!THAT ONE USUALLY GETS A LAUGH.BOY, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO
THIS WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE, STEVE.>> Stephen: IT'S NOT EASY.SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS
EASTER?>> OH, CELEBRATING AT HOME.HAVING DINNER WITH THE SON AND
THE HOLY SPIRIT.WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE AROUND
EACH OTHER, BUT WE'RE ONE IN THESAME BEING SO, THAT MAKES IT
TOUGH.AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO PICK A TV
SHOW.JESUS HASN'T CAUGHT UP WITH
"TIGER KING" YET, BUT I'M LIKE,"YOU CAN'T CALL 'NO SPOILERS'
ETERNITY, J-DOG!">> STEPHEN: WELL, I'LL LET YOU
GO, GOD.I'M SURE YOU'RE BUSY.>> YEAH, I GOTTA GIVE MYSELF A
HAIRCUT, THEN TURN WATER INTOWINE AND THEN WINE INTO TOILET
PAPER.>> STEPHEN: GOD EVERYBODY!WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL BE
TALKING TO THE HOSTS OF "PODSAVE AMERICA," JOHN MEACHAM, AND
A PERFORMANCE BY DAVE MATTHEWS.

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